Friendships

Friendship is a tricky thing. There is no question that we need close, spiritual friends, but how do you handle that level of vulnerability? It is risky business letting someone get to know you. And it is a high honor to truly get to know another individual. But with the stakes so high, you don't want to get it wrong. Exposing a soul for what it is and revealing painful wounds is not easy; it's not safe.

Spiritual community MUST foster a sense of safety. We MUST develop these intimate friendships. It is crucial to both our emotional and spiritual well-being. But once you're exposed, there's no going back. There's no undoing what has already been done.

I have been privileged to have a few of these such relationships and I am challenged to deepen and strengthen them. But I am haunted by both sides of the coin. On the one hand, I have some ugly and painful sores that I am scared to reveal. Even if they've been revealed before, I'm ashamed to discuss them again. I may have been well cared for the first time, but what about the second? What about the time after that and the time after that? When do I cash in my last chip? When will my friend walk away?

On the other side of the coin, how do I protect the soul that has entrusted itself to me as a friend. How do I care for my friends? It is this last point that causes me great pain. You see, I tend not to be a good friend at times. I often forget to call or write and thereby neglect the affirmation of our friendship. When we do finally connect, I often don't ask the right questions and settle for far less than a meaningful conversation. I often forget that to care for a soul takes time, energy, commitment and an extra touch of grace.

However, I do one thing right with friendships that I do not regret. I tell it like it is. Shelley and I are known for speaking our minds and offering advice (wanted or not) to our friends. We take seriously the truth that "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." (Proverbs 27:6) We do a friend absolutely no good by "multiplying kisses." Sometimes a friend needs to hear that they are making a poor choice, and sometimes I need to hear the same from my friends as well.

The problem is: that's only half the package. The Bible also says: "A friend loves at all times." (Proverbs 17:17) I believe that I do love my friends at all times. However, the reality is that I don't always show it. It seems that speaking my mind comes a lot more naturally to me than picking up the phone and making contact. It is very true that "A person doesn't care how much you know until they know how much you care." And when the stakes are this high, you have to demonstrate a lot of care.